Old Journal Entry: Regretting Moving Away

October 11, 1999

How can I write a song that would successfully express this emotion I’m feeling?  Would it have lyrics?  If I were to write a song, it would evoke this feeling: “I could be happy, if you were with me.”

Add to the texture of your life
I walk through my preparations for having a wife
Knowing that I could be a wonderful husband
I cannot wait to learn to work out problems
And compromise with love and respect.

Just as I am complete and happy by myself,
I know you are too.
But to combine the two of us is multiplication, not just addition
We will talk about the things that really matter–
Not what we just think we should say because we’re afraid.
I am afraid right now, to reach out, and make connection.

There is so much love from God within me, but
I am scared to show it to others.
I will not have the time to keep promises,
To stay out late, to stay overnight.
To move in with you, to build a future.

I am so used to being self-sufficient
Because I cannot trust
I fear that I will sound desperate
I fear that I am too clingy
I fear that you will not like an impression I give you
Before you find out who I really am.

Perhaps the more I am me, the less I will be
The stuffy afraid person you normally see.
I love God very much.  I love being silly.
The more I act like the thing I think women want,
The harder it will be to let her find me.

I have been so concerned about the rules of this adult world
That I don’t even like myself anymore.
I act stuffy and isolationist
I don’t know what to say because
I can only role play so far
Before the character is so totally unlike me
That I can’t imagine what he would say.

Fortune cookie: Love cannot be bought or stolen.  It can only be given away.

It really hurts inside
I am mad and angry
I suddenly think of my last love.
She discussed “cheating” on me.
She was scared and alone
As I am right now.

You stupid wretch of thoughtlessness
You thought you were being clever
You selfish ass.

I can’t decide if you’re responsible
And you can’t decide if I am.
She was the best I ever had…
And she was right about me.
She was good for me,
And I didn’t even know it.

I let myself slide down the slippery slope of love,
And yet all the way through I wanted to keep it as friendship.
The chain of events seem so obvious to me now
And yet, I still don’t know how to apply that knowledge
To my current situation.


About zyll9

Here are some topics that have recently interested me: ♥ The Enigma Machine ♦ Morse Code ♣ Fluorescent minerals ♠ The Long scale and the word milliard ♥ The 21 Spanish Missions of California and El Camino Real ♦ 3D Printing and browsing items on Thingiverse.com ♣ Le Mans and the 1955 winner, a Jaguar D-Type ♠ My huge King James Version Bible, which was printed at least before 1893 ♥ Hyperinflation paper money ♦ Silver certificates vs. United States Notes vs. Federal Reserve Notes ♣ Old Stereoscopic photographs and anaglyphs ♠ Pyramids, such as those at Giza in Egypt and at Teotihuacan in Mexico ♥ The special characters produced using ALT-Codes (ie., Alt 14 makes this: ♫) ♦ Old-style numerals written above and below the line by using Text Figures ♣ The long-s which looks like an "f" and went extinct around 1810. like "Congreß" ♠ How to play chess better, because I really suck at it ♥ Animated gifs of funny movie clips ♦ Archaeoastronomy ♣ Hiking the John Muir Trail ♠ Sighting comets ♥ My DIY Musicbox
This entry was posted in Old Journals 1997-2002 and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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