October 11, 1999
How can I write a song that would successfully express this emotion I’m feeling? Would it have lyrics? If I were to write a song, it would evoke this feeling: “I could be happy, if you were with me.”
Add to the texture of your life
I walk through my preparations for having a wife
Knowing that I could be a wonderful husband
I cannot wait to learn to work out problems
And compromise with love and respect.
Just as I am complete and happy by myself,
I know you are too.
But to combine the two of us is multiplication, not just addition
We will talk about the things that really matter–
Not what we just think we should say because we’re afraid.
I am afraid right now, to reach out, and make connection.
There is so much love from God within me, but
I am scared to show it to others.
I will not have the time to keep promises,
To stay out late, to stay overnight.
To move in with you, to build a future.
I am so used to being self-sufficient
Because I cannot trust
I fear that I will sound desperate
I fear that I am too clingy
I fear that you will not like an impression I give you
Before you find out who I really am.
Perhaps the more I am me, the less I will be
The stuffy afraid person you normally see.
I love God very much. I love being silly.
The more I act like the thing I think women want,
The harder it will be to let her find me.
I have been so concerned about the rules of this adult world
That I don’t even like myself anymore.
I act stuffy and isolationist
I don’t know what to say because
I can only role play so far
Before the character is so totally unlike me
That I can’t imagine what he would say.
Fortune cookie: Love cannot be bought or stolen. It can only be given away.
It really hurts inside
I am mad and angry
I suddenly think of my last love.
She discussed “cheating” on me.
She was scared and alone
As I am right now.
You stupid wretch of thoughtlessness
You thought you were being clever
You selfish ass.
I can’t decide if you’re responsible
And you can’t decide if I am.
She was the best I ever had…
And she was right about me.
She was good for me,
And I didn’t even know it.
I let myself slide down the slippery slope of love,
And yet all the way through I wanted to keep it as friendship.
The chain of events seem so obvious to me now
And yet, I still don’t know how to apply that knowledge
To my current situation.